Monday, 12 December 2022
“Faith, are you going to help out in the kitchen?” Zaily knocks on Faith’s door early in the morning.
It is the Festival of Sacrifice. It is celebrated by Muslims all over the world on a particular day. Faith’s relatives would be coming over to her place later, but she doesn't have the mood to celebrate.
It has been two days since Chris left her house. There are neither calls nor messages from him. Faith has been sending messages to him but there aren't any responses from him.
Faith doesn't answer Zaily. She wakes up and goes straight to the bathroom to shower.
She stares at her naked self in the mirror.
Chris was the only one that saw all of me and loved me. I don’t think he’s over me yet. He can’t be.
Her dark circles and eyebags under her eyes scream sadness. Her heart is too heavy to care what she looks like at that moment. All she wanted is to be back in Chris’ arms.
She hears the knocks once again when she comes out of the bathroom.
“Faith, please open the door.” Zaily pleads. “What do you want me to do?”
Faith opens the door with her head looking down, “I want to talk to Chris, mum.”
Without hesitation, Zaily takes out her phone and dials Chris’s number.
“This is Faith’s mum,” Zaily says. Faith’s eyes widen as she looks up at Zaily. “She wants to talk to you. Do not hang up until she’s done.”
Zaily stretches out her arm to pass Faith the phone but pulls back and says, “I want to see you dressed up and helping me out in the kitchen after this, promise?”
Faith nods and receives the phone from her.
“Chris?” Faith says, softly.
“Yeah?” Chris replies.
“Why did you ignore me?”
“Your dad wanted us to be that way,” Chris says. “I was just your boyfriend. I can’t do anything else. He’s your father, Faith.”
“Don’t you love me anymore, Chris?”
Chris doesn't answer. Faith repeats.
“Please talk or ask about something else.” Chris sounds annoyed.
“But I really want to hear your answer,” Faith begs.
“If you really want my answer, I will hang up after I answer,” Chris huffs.
Faith sighs, “Fine.”
“Only God knows, Faith,” Chris says. “Only God knows.”
Chris hangs up.
Faith closes her eyes and lets out a big sigh.
Only God knows?
She puts the phone down and goes to her closet to change. Her hands are pushing the hangers one by one as though she is choosing an outfit, but her eyes are staring into blank space. Tears start rolling down her face.
If he loves me, why is he doing this to me?
“Here, let me help you,” Nadia appears from behind. “When did you arrive home?”
“Oh?” Faith is confused but realised that she wasn’t around when she came. “Oh, I didn’t sleep well last night. I was in my room the whole time.”
“I thought you went out to get something.” Nadia giggles. “You know how unprepared our mothers are sometimes.”
Everyone arrives and they take turns eating their meal at the table.
“Fay,” Ashley calls, tugging her pants. “I wan to wot toy stowy. But Fawell is pwaying game. He wefuse to hep me!”
“Where’s Fran?” Faith asks, carrying Ashley.
“She outside pwaying wit Shasha and Wiwy.”
“Nad, Yan, you wanna come with?” Faith turns in their direction.
“Sure!” Both of them follow Faith from behind.
Faith, Nadia and Yani accompany the toddlers into Ashley’s room.
Faith is staring into a blank space and keeps fiddling with her phone.
“Are you alright, Faith?” Nadia asks.
“Huh?” Faith lightly shakes her head. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“You don’t seem okay,” Yani says.
Tears start forming in Faith’s eyes. She can't hold it back.
“You are definitely not okay.” Both Nadia and Yani say while hugging and rubbing Faith’s back, consoling her.
“Chris and I broke up.” Faith sniffles.
There is a short silence. Faith knows that Nadia and Yani had never been in a relationship before. She understands if they don't know what to say.
“What happened?” Nadia breaks the silence. “You can tell us if you want to.”
Faith doesn't want them to know the whole story. Hence, she says, “My parents found out about him and they wouldn’t let me be with him.”
“And he just left you like that?” Yani asks. “Without a fight?”
“It was complicated.” Faith says, still sniffling. “He just left the night my parents told him not to see me anymore. He didn’t even turn back to look at me. He wouldn’t answer my calls or reply to my messages!”
“Maybe he’s trying to respect your parents’ decision.” Nadia comforts Faith.
“And maybe, he’s hurting like you too but didn’t want you to know so that you don’t hope for him,” Yani adds. “Due to the circumstances.”
Faith turns to Yani and says, “I didn’t want to leave my room today, but my mum made a deal with me and called Chris using her phone. When I asked him whether he still loves me, he answered ‘Only god knows’ and hung up.”
“I knew it!” Yani exclaims. “He still loves you, Faith.”
“You think so?” Faith wonders. “You really think so?”
“I mean who would say that right, Nad?” Yani turns to Nadia.
“Come to think of it, yeah,” Nadia says. “If he doesn’t love you, he would say it to you without any hesitation. But he said that. It was like he was trying to tell you that if you know him, you should know.”
Faith wipes her tears and gives a hopeful smile.
Maybe what they said is true. Chris still loves me.
The days were slower since they broke up. Faith hasn’t stopped sending Chris messages, telling him that she loves him and always thinks about him every day. She sleeps with his photo every night.
It is the school holidays for a month before the start of another year. Faith has no plans. She is still mad at her parents. She only stayed in her room unless she wanted to eat.
Nina is on holiday with her family. She would call Faith every now and then. She doesn't know that Faith had broken up with Chris. Nina is her only source of happiness at that moment, and she wouldn’t want her to feel sorry or be worried for her.
New Year’s Day
It was just like any other day for Faith. She had no plans. Her brother was already out with his friends. The others were in the living room watching movies while waiting for the New Year’s countdown.
Her phone beeps.
Must be Nina.
She takes her phone from her side table. Her eyes widen and her heart is beating so fast.
Chris!
Happy New Year.
Chris’ message reads.
Without second thoughts, Faith replies,
Happy New Year to you too.
How are you?
Chris replies.
Surviving. You?
Same. You’re starting school in two days, right?
Yeah. Dreading it. How’s NS treating you?
Okay, I guess. Your uncle told my seniors about what happened though. But let’s not talk about it.
I’m sorry.
Don’t be. I’m guessing you’re out tonight?
No plans at all. You?
I’m with my friends now at Zouk.
Oh. Have fun.
Faith hates it when he goes out clubbing with his friends. Knowing him, he would drink a lot, and anything could happen.
I’ll talk to you later then?
Chris replies.
Okay, sure.
Faith almost replied with 'I love you' but she doesn't want Chris to avoid her again.
One step at a time, Faith.
“Man, come on!” Eric shouts at the back. “Stop staring at your phone and join me!”
Chris signals Eric to wait. He repeatedly types a message on his phone and clears the screen.
I’m never like this. Why am I not over her yet? Why am I crazy about her? Should I just go for it no matter the circumstances or should I respect her parents’ decision?
It is the night before school reopens. Chris hasn’t called or messaged her.
If I knew that was the last time he would reply, I would have told him that I still love him so much.
Faith picks up her phone to give her last long message to Chris. However, while she is typing, Chris calls.
“Hey,” Chris says first.
“Hey,” Faith replies.
“Are you getting ready to sleep?”
“Not yet.” Faith feels like crying.
I miss his voice so much.
“You wanna talk on the phone?” Chris asks. “Or do you have something else to do?”
“We can talk.” Faith is feeling hopeful. “Do you have a topic in mind?”
Chris takes a long breath, “I don’t know what to do Faith. My life went dark when you left.”
“I left? You left me, Chris. You didn’t turn back, remember?”
“But I had to. Not that I wanted to.”
“You were the one that promised no matter what happens we will not leave each other.”
“Are you blaming me now, Faith?” Chris sounds angry.
“I’m not-“
“Do you know what they called me at my workplace now?” Chris cuts her off. “Rapist, Faith. A rapist!”
“Why would they say that?”
“Like I told you the other day. Your uncle told my seniors about catching us in my room together. He conveniently left out the part where I wasn’t sleeping in the bed with you.”
Faith is silent. She doesn't know what to say.
“Why did I even bother calling you. You will never be my girlfriend ever again.” Chris says and hangs up.
Faith tries calling Chris back, but he keeps rejecting her calls. She becomes hysterical.
“I’m never gonna be his girlfriend ever again” Faith repeatedly mumbles and keeps pacing around her room.
What’s the point of living when I can’t be with the man that I love?
Faith picks up her phone again and begins typing.
Chris is smoking over at the rooftop balcony. He left his phone in his room, not wanting to hear from Faith again. But his heart says otherwise. He loves her. His ego is too much to admit that. He got over his exes easily but not Faith. It has been a month and Faith is all he thinks about.
He rubs the back of his neck and lets out a sigh.
Urgh! What the hell!
He throws his cigarette away and goes back down to his room.
The first thing he does is take his phone.
Sixteen missed calls and one new message.
The message reads:
Hey Chris, I don’t know whether you are going to read this. But here goes. You were my first-ever love. You were my first in everything. Whatever I’ve done with you and for you, I’ve never done before with anyone else. How am I going to forget all my first experiences? I keep wanting not to wake up every day because in my dreams, you were still mine. It hurts so much knowing that I could never be yours again. It hurts, Chris. It hurts so much. I decided to end this hurting. If it means that I can never be with you in this life, maybe in another life I can. I love you, Chris. Always and forever. Goodbye.
No no no no no! She can’t be serious!
